to my coworkers: may i ask a favor

to my kind coworkers:

after a few years of knowing you, i feel like we've achieved a certain level of intimacy: long past the formal email salutations, we've shared countless birthday cakes, the occasional eye-roll during long-winded meetings, and awkward hellos in bathrooms and hallways. i've learned far too much about your elective cosmetic surgeries, reproductive cycles, and digestive tracts, and you've probably grown tired of my incessant spilling, indie itunes mixes, and caustic quips. by now, i feel comfortable with you--too comfortable, in fact. and so i'd like to ask just a couple of favors. Just minor things, really:


- i know my cube is right outside the bathroom. i know your desk is 20 long yards away. but really, must you use my desk as a holding spot for your laptop/lunch/cell phone while you use the restroom? truly, I don't mind. just as, I assume, you don't mind when I help myself to a bite of your Portobello Mushroom Linguine or to a quick international call on your mobile. yes, it really is unfortunate your wife stumbled across those adult websites while rifling through your internet history, but hey

- bathroom etiquette: i can hear you. smell you. see you. please close the bathroom door. and while you're at it, when you come out of the bathroom with a toothbrush perpetually behind your ear I start to wonder if there's something more going on in the men's room than simple dental hygiene.

- it's wrong to lie. it's even more wrong to force your coworkers to lie when you shove your smelly, wrinkly baby in their faces and insist they tell you how cute "she" is. guess what? she's not.

- the freezer. It’s packed with lean cuisines. the conundrum: if your cuisine is so lean, why aren’t you? Let’s face the facts: you bypass your Frozen Chicken Parts on Pasta each day in favor of the irresistible panera/portillos/name-your-poison-fast-food-joint a mile down the road. Stop fooling yourself! Leave the Lean to me (and the freezer space, too).


thanks in advance...your consideration is so appreciated.
sincerely,
babysuit

(End note)

Anyways, it’s a beautiful day here, so I used my lunch hour to read “A History of Love,” by Nicole Krauss by the pond near the office. The book (not chick lit like it sounds, but beautifully written, poignant prose) and the company (baby geese) were wonderful, and it was so refreshing to see and feel spring for a change. Hopefully that continues tonight at the White Sox game- here's to beating the traffic from the far north to the south side of the city in time for the first inning!