Tuesday, March 24, 2009

the angst of indecision

So I've been absent from this blog for awhile, and it's not for lack of updates in the grad school world. In fact, my absence stems mostly from the fact that, in the overwhelming rapids of information that have come churning through my own narrow river of life, I have been paralyzed with indecision. (Although, as my friends can attest, it's not for lack of lipservice--here's a note of apology to all of you who've listened to me agonize endlessly the last month).

In summary:

- I've been accepted to three great programs, all of which have their own unique qualities which I will rehash at a later date (hey baby, I've got until April 15th to decide and you cant bet on it that I will take every last moment)
- I've kind of sort of worked out an arrangement with my work to stay on part-time remotely, which makes me feel relieved and frightened. Relieved, because I've finally come clean and copped to my grad school plans. Relieved, because the thought of going jobless in this economy is scarier than seeing Jessica Simpson in yet another pair of Daisy Dukes, and because I, quite frankly, feel safer doing something to "advance my career" than to take a random job serving whiskey to locals (although I'm sure that would spawn some interesting stories). On the other hand, I worry that my commitment to work might compromise my ability to fully participate in the world of gradschool and all its unforseen opportunities. I do feel like I have more to contribute to my current company, and don't want to end on bad terms after they've invested so much, so we'll see how it works out.
-I'm confronting 3 moves in less than 6 months: one back to Chi-town from Arizona, which is not without its conflict (workwise and luggage-wise), one into my boyfriend's place when my lease expires, and one to the East coast, wherever I end up....ugh, apartment search #239823 here I come
-Financial woes: financial aid, loans, economy, credit crunch? I think we've all heard enough of that these days so I'll stop there.

I'm ecstatic to be starting my new grad school life, and so ready for it. I think I realized just how ready when I was excited to do my biostats homework since it meant a change of pace from the countless process maps/excel sheets I'm required to produce on any given day...wow. That might have been the single most depressing sentence I've ever written.

Anyway, there's a lot going on--and even more sleepless nights. I think I've gone through an entire bottle of Tums in the last 3 weeks of 3am wakeups. It's pretty pathetic when the highlight of your day is imaging half a dozen small disks of chalk absorbing the gallons of acid writhing in your stomach.

Also, it occurred to me that I may have to change the url to this blog...what will I be when I go back to grad school? Not babysuit anymore...maybe babyblazer? babyelbowpatch? baby-gotta-wear-sweatpants-cuz-my-diet-consists-soley-of-ramen-noodles-and-cheetos? Suggestions are welcome.

*Edit: The previous name of this blog was "Babysuit," a nod to my awkardness in my new work wardrobe immediately post college graduation

Monday, March 23, 2009

peaceful, easy feeling

In Phoenix, I live in a far west, burgeoning suburb called Goodyear. It's just now developing, so there isn't much where I live other than empty fields, endless sky, and mountains.

As I was running in the darkness the other night, beneath more stars than I've seen since I left Ohio years ago, it struck me, in all that vastness, how far away I was from everyone and everything I know and love. How disconnected, detached...and free. It's hard not to feel a bit wild and free when there's nothing for miles besides you, a couple stray cacti, and oceans of sky. Puffing away on my run, it felt like I could be swept up in a moment and simply disappear.

Yet, more than not, I never feel that way. Even in this town, which is a temporary home, where I have few attachments and little connection to anything outside of work, it's so easy to sink into a nice, easy rhythm of daily life. I don't even have anything here to "settle for," yet that's what I've done. It was a refreshing reminder of how easy it can be to feel tied down, and how easy it is to sink into the quicksand of complacency. That I can't depend on any outside stimulus--any sudden change of events-- to make me feel alive. I can't count on going to grad school, to changing my life and location once again, to disrupt me and inspire me into becoming a new and better person...or into feeling alive. That's up to me.

Part of my absence from this blog has been my inability to get outside my head even for a moment, to put down the spreadsheet, email, and endless stream of data that confronts me at every turn (be it grad school or otherwise) and take a moment to breathe, look around, and remember how beautiful this world is and to take advantage of living in it. I am embarrassed to be writing the stereotypical "carpe diem" post (which I penned many a time in my highschool Xanga days), but I guess for what it's worth, that's what I have to remember- that regardless of what decision I make, or where I go, it's not the choice itself that will make me, but the daily decision to be part of that world that will make the difference in the long run. I guess I better get started now.