Friday, May 28, 2010

heart disease and the chinese health system

Today I had my first encounter with the Chinese healthcare system. In order to get my visa extended, and in order for China to exert its endless bureaucracy and make a quick buck, I had to get a medical examination at this international health center. I was pretty annoyed about the distraction from my work (namely, watching a bootleg version of some f-ed up Spanish film…rough life, I know). However, since I’ve quickly learned that everything in China needs between 1-100 red stamps, off I went.

First of all, according to the center’s giant map of the world, China is apparently free from all infectious disease, including malaria, yellow fever, SARs, dengue, the works! Funny, that’s not what the CDC says.

Secondly, this medical exam was strangely more thorough than any US medical visit I’ve had in years. As I passed from room to room, I got the works: urine test, blood draw, eye exam, ultrasound (?), x-ray (?!), EKG (?!?!). The place was bizarre: entirely deserted, with a white-clad nurse silently sitting in each room. Each one would perform her procedure wordlessly, stamp a big red stamp on my form, and then point to the next door. It felt a little Alice and Wonderland-esque. Because my imagination tends towards the twisted, each time I passed through a door, I wondered what kind of bizarre, macabre scene lay within: jars of pickled brains, shrunken skulls, bloody carcasses?

Oh wait, no…that’s just the local grocery.

Actually, the blood draw was actually quite upsetting. Much to my parent’s chagrin, I’ve had a vasovagal reaction to getting blood drawn since I was about twelve. Namely, I sweat and pant and pass out. Not a pretty sight. I tried to warn the nurse what she was about to witness, but of course the meaning was lost in translation. Since we were both panicking, she called in a well-meaning “English-speaking” doctor. He held my hand as I lay there, reassuring me that “It is not a problem! We only use the needles once! One time use!” In my mind I was screaming: THIS IS NOT HELPING!

After surviving that debacle, it was time for the ECG.

“Expose your heart,” the nurse told me solemnly.
Um, I just met you- let’s not be hasty, I thought.
“OK,” I said.

And as I was lying in this tiny room in this deserted hospital, with a dozen electrodes clamped to my chest, I started thinking about all the things I’ve done since I’ve been in China that could possibly get me in trouble. Taking photos of the Mao statue? VPN-ing into YouTube and Facebook on a semi-regular basis? Googling the crap out of everything? Why am I such an idiot?! I started to sweat as I waited for the electricity to surge through my veins. I was sure I was going to die. Good-bye world, I thought, melodramatically—and what a way to die, half-naked on a lumpy bed in a Chinese exam room waiting---

“Your heart…,” the nurse said, pulling off the electrodes.
“What?” I asked incredulously. “Is it bad?”
“No. It’s slow. Your heart is slow.”

Amen sister. Tell me something I don't know.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Please tell me that there was an obligatory pap smear involved. I really hope so! I am glad that you are having fun on your own little version of "Eat, Pray, Love." I really enjoy hearing about all of your grand adventures there and subsequent conversion to Judaism. Seattle stinks, but I am moving to the land of ports tomorrow, with work starting on Tuesday. Lets hope they don't see through my "I actually know something about the law" face. LOVE YOU. BA