Tuesday, January 13, 2009

a beautiful mess

When you travel as much as I do, you begin to experience profound moments in unexpected places.

Tonight, as I was preparing to board my latest flight to Chicago on Southwest Airlines, a sweet, confused teen asked me out how to line up for Southwest’s cattle-call style boarding process. I looked at his boarding pass and showed him where to stand, assuring him that Southwest’s process can be really messy and confusing.

His quiet and poignant response: “Isn’t life?”

Indeed.

Today I received my first letter of acceptance from an MPH program, and one of my top choices.

While overjoyed, it was only after great hesitation that I called my mother. After a cursory “congratulations,” she posed the inevitable merriment-ending question “Are they going to pay you to go there?” And then, like an automatic machine gun, told me in succession that the economy sucks (duh), and that none of her fellow MPH grads got jobs. Perched on an airport Starbucks’ chair, tears streamed down my face and I rapidly devised a pathetic exit route.

Until boarding, I sat in a stunned stupor. Rationally, I know that my parents are simply…being parents. Having spent years working phlebotomy night shifts to make ends meet, driving a car with a hole rotted through the floor, and viewing frozen pizzas as a delicacy, their interest in what’s best for me understandably takes the form of financial security. It’s a deeply personal version of a very historic battle: security (them) vs. freedom (me). Conservative (them) vs. liberal (me). And while I’ve always nurtured this literary notion of the fiery-eyed child running off against her parents wishes to fulfill her dreams, for all my wishful rebelliousness it still upsets me deeply when I don’t have parental support.

I understand their fears- I do. So much so that I am desperately repressing and rejecting constant news sources that tell me that this might be the worst time in history to risk my job, take out a loan, and wing it all in the sake of passion. Yet I know what makes me tick, and although this job has provided me with a great learning experience, it’s not it. After an excruciating period of self-examination over the past 1.5 years, I know this is what I want, and am ready to assume a few (edit: many) years of indebtedness to get it. I am willing to pay to pursue my passion.

And let’s face it: I’m not getting any younger. There’s not too much time left whence I will be free to capitalize upon my youthful idealism and go flitting off into the sunset like a capricious butterfly.

But since life isn’t all idealism and fluttery pastel insects, I do have a belated New Year’s resolution. Goal 2008: Get in. Goal 2009: Get money. (Legally of course: loans, grants, maybe an organ or two posted on the black market.....kidding!)


Someone at work recently told me, “It all just depends on whether or not you have the courage to be happy.”

So here’s to making my life messier than a Southwest boarding process, but all the more rewarding…

2 comments:

d. said...

Congratulations Lindsey!

I worry about the financial situation too. But where there's a will there's way, and your goal of 2008 is complete!

Kudos.

Devi

Katymae said...

Congratulations on getting accepted! I am another idealist grad school blogger, and I was just catching up on everyone's recent posts. It is a scary time to be going into debt, but it seems to me that what's even scarier is going to work every day in a job that isn't what you are passionate about. Good luck!