Tuesday, December 16, 2008

finals envy?!

I just finished my latest online class, but it doesn't feel that way. I'm watching all my friends who are in graduate, law, or medical school kick and scream as they enter into weeks-long hibernation periods as they scramble to prepare for their finals, and strangely I feel.....jealous. As stressful as it was, I miss the feeling of holing up for days and applying so much brain-power and energy that you feel as though your brain is scrambled, and emerging from that period exhausted yet somehow triumphant. I miss the sense of creativity of writing papers, and the adrenaline rush of exam-taking. Somehow, the long hours I put in at work don't give me the same rush. At the end of the day, I mostly feel....exhausted. I think this is in part because although work is challenging, it doesn't require the same scholastic intellectual horsepower, and implementing change in such a massive bureaucratic system often feels akin to a never-ending sprint on a QVC treadmill. Perhaps selfishly, I had hoped that my job would endow me with a sense of meaning—with that rush that arrives in knowing that you’ve really helped someone. Instead, I have to settle for a very abstract hope that my process models, control charts, and Pareto diagrams might someday make someone’s life a bit easier, if and when my recommendations are ever implemented.

Ironically, is that I never felt so stymied as an undergrad, even though all my effort was channeled merely towards completion of the academic endeavor, without any expectation of change. I’m hoping that since I’m applying to MPH programs that will allow me to explore my academic area of interest (socio-behavioral health sciences) and also emphasize the application of research, that I’ll get to fuel both of my passions-- learning simply for the joy of it, but actually helping people as well.

Starting in January, I'll be taking Biostatistics as well as doing my Six Sigma Black Belt at U of M online this upcoming semester, so I'll be swimming in stats, which won't be fun, but at least it will be challenging. While I've enjoyed both my work and my online public health leadership classes, I am looking forward to that triumphant moment--however fleeting--when an obstinate equation is finally solved and a problem set completed.

Even more so, I'm looking forward to getting back to school. To whining about finals but secretly loving them. This time around, I will treasure the learning….but hopefully, I’ll also be equipped with the tools to actually help someone as a result of those finals (instead of just the profit margin at the late night coffee shop where I buy my pre-exam espresso!)

1 comment:

GDL said...

The difference between you liking/wanting to partake in finals again is that you actually LOVE learning. Unfortunately, many of the people I know in professional school are simply doing it for the prestige and monetary benefits.

Best of luck to you in your future endeavors! Keep writing - I enjoy your column very much!