The True Meaning of Christmas

In preparation for the impending Christmas/holiday season, television has once again been inundated with a deluge of commercials, urging us to find the "true meaning of Christmas." In this case, the true meaning of Christmas seems to be expressing our gratitude and love for friends and loved ones by giving them an endless supply of "must-have" products as quickly and at the best price possible.



While some might argue that these products exemplify America's gluttonous and hedonistic ways, I completely disagree. For example, I have been brushing my teeth with a standard toothbrush for years, unknowingly risking serious dental health consquences and apparently a dramatic increase in social status. Thank God for Crest, who has essentially been performing (very expensive) public service announcements by urging folks to run out and purchase one of their Spinbrushes which, with its duel vibrating heads, ergonomic design, and (for kids) sea-creature-shaped handles, will revolutionize public health almost as much as Louis Pasteur did with that whole pasteurization thing. I can only hope to God my parents love me enough to slap a bow around one of those puppies and stuff it in my stocking.



However, this Christmas season I understand more than ever why so many people suffer from depression and anxiety during this time of year. Thanks to Apple, I have been forced to question my existence several times a day--a painful experience for someone already in the throes of a stereotypical twenty-something existential crisis. Apple knows I've survived without the Iphone, but how? they wonder. Good question. Thanks to Apple's insightful inquiry, I'm beginning to wonder whether or not I'm biologically equipped to handle daily life, let alone grapple with issues like graduate school or career choices.


To exacerbate the issue, right now I only have a refurbished phone I purchased from Ebay for a whopping thirty bones. It doesn't even have a camera on it, and worst of all, I have to use a standard, pre-set ringtone. What's Christmas without the Mariah Carey reminding me that all she wants for Christmas is me everytime someone calls? Talk about dejection! Every time that phone rings it's like a knife tearing into my soul, reminding me of my lameness and evoking a serious fear that I may not survive the day. What a Blue freakin' Christmas.




And of course, anyone who bashes the season's overcommercialization is overlooking the important lesson these ads teach us in the skill of communication. How else can people prove their love for one another than by giving them jewelry (preferably on sale)? Things like spending time together or small tokens of affection like favorite books or sweaters are nice...but let's face it: those things are about as temporary as Britney Spears' comeback, but diamonds are forever! My personal favorite of these commercials are those advertising the diamond necklaces that have several diamonds increasing in size to reflect the way "love grows."

My only fear is that this jewelry-giving may be misleading. In the spirit of honest, open communication, my suggestion would be that these items be customized to reflect the true spirit of the relationship. Perhaps a nice rhinestone or two could represent the time the husband accidentally landed in the lap of his secretary and moved out for three weeks. I think a nicely tarnished tennis bracelet would do well to illuminate the relationship between two highschool sweethearts who had a shotgun wedding and have been living in relative antipathy in a mobile home outside of town ever since. For my uncle Jarvis, who's been married 5 times to 3 different women (his current wife #5 is also wife #1), this approach could be slighly complicated. However, I'm sure a tiny bit of coal set in a silver ring could reflect the capricious nature of their relationship. Sure it seems a bit harsh--but that bit of carbon might eventually morph into a diamond under the pressure of their failing relationship, who knows? As the commercials advocate, gemstones truly are the perfect vehicles for communication, as long we use them accurately.



So anyway, this post has absolutely nothing to do with my life as a BabySuit, except to underscore the fact that I watch far too much TV and have no life outside of work. Please excuse the facetious nature of this post in light of the upcoming holidays--it's just that the sarcasm builds throughout the week, and as countless teenage boys have argued, if you don't use it, you lose it. I hope whoever reads this has a wonderful holiday, and is able to find the diamond hidden somewhere in the rough of over-commercialization (and for me, over-sarcasm). Merry Christmas and Happy Hannukah!